The Pentagon Conspiracy to Keep me Drunk

Even as I type, the Pentagon continues sending its operatives to keep me drunk. Friday night, an agent of the Pentagon came and delivered vodka, rum, and also offered beer. I was drunk the whole weekend and barely managed to pen down my usual column railing against a footnote in a 3,000 page bill. Instead, I wandered the Red Light District and was offered a hand-job by a transgender woman. I told her that I didn't have 50 euros, and then she told me to move along, to save some of the drinking money for her.
I really don't understand how dudes can just shell out 50 euros to bust a nut, it's like paying someone to tie your shoes. I am of the belief that if you want something done right, you should do it yourself: especially a handjob, but anyway, I digress.
What was this column about? Oh, yea, I'm supposed to blame the Pentagon for my current predicament. I can just imagine that right now, there is some general in a bunker secretly plotting to keep me down, to wire me booze so my writing is not as critical of US foreign policy. If the Pentagon's belief was that a drunken me would be more amiable, then that presumption is incorrect.
Just last night I met a group of Irish women in a coffeeshop who had ideas of New York that I quickly managed to destroy for them. They didn't know about Ex parte Vallandigham, Ex parte Quirin, Almeida-Sanchez vs. United States, the latest National Defense Authorization Act, and they did not even know about the government's overuse of the Invention Secrecy Act.
Needless to say, the Irish ran away once they learned all those disturbing facts. I think I scared them out of going to the US, I put the fear of Goddrones in them.
And yeah, some may say that living abroad means that I have to be an ambassador for the United States, but the best ambassador is the one who can criticize all the finer points of America's legislative system, he who decries the burdensome filing requirements that the FATCA Act will bring upon the millions of Americans living abroad -- who owe no taxes to the US government, and whose mortgages are being obliterated because a lot of European banks would rather not have to deal with a US citizen for fear that it could bring in the Federales.
And yeah, the Pentagon is driving me to drink, of that there is no denying.