The Day I Woke Up in the Woods

I have difficulty reconstructing the exact circumstances that led to me waking up in the woods, but as with most of my hard-hitting journalistic pieces about the Korean peninsula, it sure involved a lot of drinking. One of my Irish friends was celebrating his birthday party, so clearly he convinced everyone to join him on his four-day bender. "This is a once in a lifetime event, you cunt! I'll only be 27⅓ once, you cunt!" he shouted at me over the phone. There really was no need to pretend, but we had ways to make it necessary to have long benders whenever possible.
Eventually he managed to convince me, especially because it was a long weekend (we had Friday off) and I would otherwise find myself bored with everyone gone. I can't recall exactly what he wanted me to go to -- some concert, or something -- but I recall paying a large sum of money for tickets. The bus was supposed to leave on Friday morning, but we all met Thursday night to pre-game the bus ride. I started easy with a bottle of soju on the train ride to Thursday night, and then we took it easy at the corner store with a few bottles more, to wash down the Family Mart snacks. We then packed our jackets with a few bottles of soju, for the walk. The bottles were for the guys in the group, not the ladies.
There were ladies among us, and on Thursday nights ladies could drink for free at a very classy establishment called The Loft, which is conveniently situated just a few buildings from the police station. The ladies are in a constant line for the free drinks, and the Irish birthday boy and myself are going strong on the smuggled Family Mart soju. By 11pm we weren't in any need of drinks, but the ladies were refilling our cups, spiking them with their flasks. Out of nowhere, I notice a black girl blowing the Birthday Boy. I turn my back to get a drink, and just as soon I hear a pool stick breaking.
Birthday Boy had borrowed someone else's girl, and it did not go down well with her significant other. My friend was on the floor, nursing the back of his head, when I had no choice but to deliver a [statute of limitations.] The aftermath of that [statute of limitations] was so terrifying that my Irish friend and I just started running. Though I had delivered a debilitating [statue of limitations] that would have left most other men down for the count, the massive Nigerian motherfucker just took off his t-shirt, wrapped it around his head, and started giving chase.
We exit The Loft and make a right, heading towards Hooker Hill -- we didn't even have to ask each other where we would flee to -- and then we hear two bottles smashing behind us. I scream "shit, duck!" and we both get behind a car just as a few more bottles explode around us. We heard a couple of angry voices screaming in Nigerian, and knew that reinforcements had arrived. We were just a few cars from turning the corner to freedom on Hooker Hill, and my friend and I decide to take the chance. "Cover your head with your sweater!" I scream.
We both got up at the same time, and a bottle exploded on the wall right in front of us, then another, and then a third. We managed to turn the corner, and then we ran into Polly's at the top of Hooker Hill. I had covered my head with my sweater, and was just as pretty. My left arm was lacerated, and Birthday Boy had a piece of glass lodged on the side of his leg, but a napkin and some tape was all we needed to keep going.
Inside of Polly's were about 10 of our army buddies, so we knew the Nigerians couldn't fuck with us. Nonetheless, the loss of blood and constant stream of cheap soju buckets have contributed to my amnesia. The girls we'd abandoned at The Loft managed to join us, and we celebrated with some shots. We hung around Hooker Hill until Friday morning, when the bus was supposed to leave, but we never made it. The girls didn't make it either, and I recall only bits and pieces from the rest of that weekend.    
I recall that Birthday Boy got arrested, and that he returned a few hours later complaining about a million won fine, but those details have been lost to the passage of time. And then I woke up in the middle of the woods. There were no signs that I was with anyone else. I checked my phone, and it was 7am, Monday. I walked in no certain direction and after half an hour came to a road. I walked until 9am and eventually a taxi passed. 60,000 won later and I was back at my studio in Gangnam. I got home, had some soup, showered, shaved, and walked towards my school, making it just in time for my 2:15pm class.
Just as I started my lecture on the history of rockets, I received a text message from Birthday Boy: "Yo, at the Demilitarized Zone, headed to Itaewon for some beers, u down?"