Barney the Dinosaur Arrested for "Solicitation of a Minor"

America's favorite anthropomorphic dinosaur has been arrested by authorities in Texas for soliciting a minor, in a case that promises to rock the nation. Barney, who has since 1992 surrounded himself with a constantly-changing cast of child celebrities, was released after posting one million dollar bail. 

During a press release by the Houston Police Department, Sheriff John Slinger alleged that Barney was in constant communication with several minors, writing to them: "I love you. You love me. I wanna hug y'all."

Barney's Mugshot
The Houston Police Department received a tip from one of Barney's fans after he was seen dancing with a group of minors and telling them that he "loved them" and wanted to "hug them." Barney's arrest affidavit goes on to detail that he often traveled to exotic locations with different child stars, and that he showered them with gifts. A previous lawsuit, filed in 1999, alleged that Barney "entertained" young children.  

Some allegations had in the past surfaced that Barney was teaching children to live in a world of "denial," a now concerning accusation considering that many adults who grew up with Barney cannot now recognize that they were exposed to "excessive repetition" and taught to deny reality. 

Following his arrest, Barney was immediately suspended from his position on public television. His boss, Mario Ventura, said that he was shocked, telling Abreu Report: "I've known Barney for a while, he came to my house, we had drinks together quite often, and I never got the impression that he could do something like this. I'm confused and in pain right now."

Upon posting bail, Barney was forced to surrender his passport and was barred from contacting any of his accusers and from having unsupervised encounters with minors. Barney's attorneys told Abreu Report that the accusations against their client were "unfounded and frivolous, stemming from attempts to tarnish Mr. Barney, a beloved family dinosaur with no prior criminal convictions, because of his skin colors and anthropomorphism." 

Barney was one of America's first mainstream anthropomorphic TV characters, breaking a long-held taboo against hiring Purple-Americans.

In a viral video uploaded to Youtube, Samuel L. Jackson defended Mr. Barney, claiming that this is simply how America's racist system works, always tarnishing Purple-Americans. "Now Barney will have an asterisk next to his name forever. I'm asking myself, where were those parents' kids when Barney was allegedly taking them to Africa on safari?" he asked.