Conspiring While Driving

People often warn me about the dangers of drinking and driving. My beloved uncle Papo was a heavy drinker and a taxi driver. One day he was found dead inside of his car. The autopsy revealed that he had suffered a stroke right there in the parking garage; cerebral hemorrhaging had claimed another unfortunate victim in my family.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night fearing that a stroke could take me out just like it took out my father, his biological father, his adoptive father, his mother, his brothers and sister, and nearly everyone in my mom's family, but I'm simply getting distracted from the real menace confronting my family and civilization: Islamic terrorism. And as the nation's honorable top lawyer Eric Holder has said, Americans have become complacent to terrorism. Perhaps if terrorist had killed my father, the grandfather I never knew, and large parts of my mom's family, then maybe I wouldn't be sitting as complacently as I am sitting here on this Dutch island overlooking a lake.

I also have no doubt that not only have Americans become complacent, but that they have also loose lips that could potentially sink the ship. And on that note of sinking ships, the would-be traitor Michael Hastings  
was thinking of aiding the enemy, potentially jeopardizing American lives. It is a fact that as I pen this article, some Al-Qaeda terrorist somewhere -- or an associated force -- has in his possession a copy of the Rolling Stone article by Hastings on General McChrystal, in which they violated the Alien and Sedition Act of 1798. In that article, the Rolling Stone staff, Hastings, and McChrystal conspired, jointly and severally, to cause President Barack Obama (hereafter referred to as: plaintiff) undue emotional harm and duress in violation of 50 USC chapter 4b  § classified.

Hastings (hereafter referred to as: defendant) not only violated the Alien and Sedition act, he also committed traffic infractions; infractions which would ultimately be his undoing. Cell phone metadata indicates that at approximately 4:30am, defendant was inside of his federally-inspected vehicle, traversing a federally-protected road, when he began to conspire against the United States. At that point, the federally-inspected vehicle involved in the conspiracy was made to crash into federally-protected flora and/or fauna. Defendant's case has been closed; no compensation for damages has been demanded by plaintiff.