Marijuana Addiction Kills 100,000 Syrians, Threatens Lives of Countless More

(Zaatari Refugee Camp, Jordan) -- 50% percent of Americans can't locate Syria on a map, and fewer still would be able to go into detail concerning the delicate balance that the War on Marijuana has created between Hezbollah, Alawite, Iranian Shiite, Qatari-backed Sunni Fighters, Takfiri extremists, and other cartels currently involved in the nation's quagmire. Since the nation was introduced to marijuana two years ago, Qatar, the United States, the United Kingdom -- and other states with sensible marijuana policies -- have decided to wage a covert war to prevent the possibility that Syria could become a base for trafficking into their nations.
Saif Al-Amani, a 12-year-old refugee and orphan living in a massive refugee camp in Jordan claims: "My Sunni neighbor smoked marijuana and gunned down my parents right before my eyes. I heard him shout 'marihuana is great!' as he shot my 6-month pregnant mother in the back of the head. I myself was wounded in the chest, but fortunately one of my neighbors who has rejected reefer came to render aid inside of my bullet-ridden home, and noticed that there were still signs of life in my teary eyes. I hope to one day move to a safer place, like Detroit, where things have not deteriorated to a dystopian level."
Victims of cyanide nitrous oxide, a marijuana byproduct.
Though Saif's story may seem drastic, experts in the Zaatari refugee camp claim that his is common among the many orphans who have fled Syria. Children like Saif say that before marijuana came to their towns, that they could play on the streets, sing, and breathe the local air without fear that second-hand marijuana fumes would slowly claim their lives.
"In my nightmares I see green trees burning, individuals with red eyes, and a deep hunger that cannot be satiated," claimed an emaciated friend of Saif. Saif's 14-year-old friend, who declined to give his name for fear that a cartel back home would murder the rest of his family in retaliation, says that he reads the news, and is also concerned about the fire raging through California. "I read that large fires can unpredictably affect the climate and I fear that even this camp may not be safe, that the smoke could end my young life even here," he said with serious concern in his eyes.
US President Barack Obama, who himself experienced marijuana addiction when younger, stated: "I smoked because I had deep issues with my identity. Was I a Sunni freedom fighter or was I a Takfiri extremist as my concerned neighbors told me? I don't know, but abandoning marijuana has allowed me to win a Nobel Peace Prize, and I intend to prove that it was well deserved."
Several Latin Americans leaders have called on Barack Obama to act, and he finds himself under pressure at home. Former Mexican President Vicente Fox called the situation in Syria the most pressing problem in the world, and asked that marijuana be legalized, in a radical approach that he thinks could help children like Saif. Fox would later go on to say: "Poor Syria, so close to God and so far from the United States."
President Pepe Mujica of Uruguay urged Obama to act. Mujica believes that a kinetic strike by Western powers will convince the different competing cartels in Syria to finally lay down their arms. "Marijuana legalization is being discussed at the same time that World War III is being discussed," Mujica would say before firmly concluding, "I don't think it's a coincidence."